struggles

life quickly spiraling out of control in slow motion. need to prioritize. need to know what is important.

What is important to me? Everything else seems to be important to everyone else, which has all along been important to me, until I realized if I continue this way I would lose 10 years in a blink of an eye.

(old) First struggle: discernment - what is your will, Lord?
(new) Second struggle: decision - this is what I should do

maybe.only.a.drop.left

I.am.exhausted.to.the.core.and.the.worst.part.is.I.don't.know.why.

Oh, maybe I do. But I won'tdon'tmon't acknowledge it, won't look or think about it.
And that's why I'm inexhaustibly exhausted. sigh. Freud would tell me it's no use repressing - it'll come back to haunt me - Lacan would probably analyze my speech for linguistic trip-ups, Cixous would whip me for not standing up to my feminist rights, while St Augustine and Shakespeare's Cordelia would agree I should 'love, and be silent'.

I guess the majority wins.

so be it, Lord

wow, indeed this is true...

"We reach the holiness of loving, and the perfection of being utterly upright, only in God’s way, and in God’s time. We reach it while still being frail and failing. And, in fact, we do not reach that ideal at all. Rather, it is something done in us, by God’s doing and blessing."
From today's Sacred Space reflection

Lord, the love that you have and that you call us to is beyond all things, beyond the deepest hurts, covering all sins. Because you are greater than our hearts Father, fill us with your highest and truest so that we may give to others as you would like us to.

Dusk

I smiled
At the way you turn
The sky a purplish-blue
With a tinge of red
Hints of clouds
All for me.
And I thought
of how I would spend
All day with you
When I'm gone
Writing silly love songs
or deep poetry with feeling
to you, by the cool stream.
Yet, til then,
The pain still lingers
Etched, burned into my palm
The memory
just beneath the surface
As though stretched on a rack to languish
For a lifetime.

But you tell me,
The night is darkest just before dawn
And I am branding you for eternity.

No Man's Land

I am so so honest-to-goodness worried about him. He has so much heart 

and yet he's consumed by what the world offers.

What he's doing is not in itself evil, but the way it consumes him 

is very unhealthy. What can I do? I am so helpless. They may be 

sad when they hear from him tomorrow. 

And I am consumed too, in an unhealthy way.

Therefore once for all this short command is given to you:
"Love and do what you will."
If you keep silent, keep silent by love:
if you speak, speak by love;
if you correct, correct by love;
if you pardon, pardon by love;
let love be rooted in you, 
and from the root nothing but good can grow.

~St Augustine of Hippo

The spectre of hunger

ragged breath
peters out into
the fog-driven
cold, where
nothing seems,
turning blue with
quick pace

almost, then,
do I drive
the stake into
her heart
which barely
misses the
spot of unrest

spearing, trying
to quiet the
spectres,
ghouls of
'mases
to come

softly, then
It dies

Be

On the way home, with the music playing, I heard the words,
"In the presence of a thousand kings, you are my one desire."

That line made me think of a fairy tale, one in which a widowed queen who needed a male figurehead for her country lined up her many many suitors (kings, no less) and put them to the test. (Is this tale American? Arabic? Greek? I can't remember)

In the end, the one who mattered to her was the one who had the greatest, noblest, kindest heart.
And who else has the greatest heart but Him? (of course, in the fairy tale, she didn't join the convent =p)

Lord, make me fall in love with you. More and more, so that nothing else matters except living life fully, according to how you made me.