Finally, some time to sit down.

I mean, I've been sitting down for a pretty long time since work started last December, but I can't remember the last time I sat sat down (I'm sure I must have, one of those off-days that I took an M.C. for)

So. A bit of time to take stock, as opposed to watching them, and a bit of time to remember the bell tolls, outweighing the morning bell that goes (again, and again, and again).

Of course, I woudn't write anything incriminating. It's my new policy, the X-files policy. So the files are stored in my head.

Can I miss someone whom I don't remember knowing? Can I long for something which I don't recall having? Can there be a hole in the wall when I don't remember what filled that space in the first place? I guess ...yes. Since Augustine said we were restless until. Since Lewis feared to tread where even angels cannot. Since love is bigger than we know it and life has secrets we may never uncover.

It's who you give up to

Each person grows up learning how to look out for his or her well-being. Taking care when you cross the road, not talking to strangers, walking in a group at night...translates into 'don't get hurt' which goes beyond the physical level.

So the radical advice of ceasing to look out for yourself and merely focusing on one thing seems a little hard to swallow.

What if you don't see it coming Lord? After all, are you really here with me the whole time? What if you slip up? Aren't four eyes better than two? (assuming God has two!)

Sounds ridiculous that the Lord might make a mistake? I think these are the questions that lead (me) to a reluctance in surrendering.

But I think, feel, believe that surrendering is the best action anyone can do.

“Lord, I need your love in my life. Bind up the wounds in my heart, so that I can show others the way to your glorious kingdom!” (from the Word Among Us website)

ignorance is (short term) bliss

I'm beginning to feel I only know the tip of the iceberg....about myself.

It's slightly unnerving that a silent retreat can bring to light the little squirrels that gnaw away, small creatures I seldom see or hear in the daily traffic. And when unleashed they suddenly spring up into godzilla-sized thingies that I suddenly can't recognize the person I thought I knew. (I know a friend who hates and is afraid of squirrels, and now I can sympathize with her)

I'm not sure if I'd release them, given a choice to repeat the decision, but if I remember right this is what a Cenacle Sister said:

"It's the things you keep away in the dark that have the ability to control you."

True enough, fear is a controlling factor, and what better description of primal fear is there than the lurking darkness which hides alien creatures out of reach.

I did make a choice to want to know them (squirrels), and now that I do I can either fight or flee. The latter means I repress them once again, numb myself by past routines (it's not that tough to do), and follow pre-set model answers (easy-peasy!).

The former means re-analysing, admitting I've been wrong, re-organising perspectives, bringing barriers down.

WWJD?
argh...!

a season, a reason

How uncanny is this!

I had just read a passage from C.S. Lewis on love (last week), and later on (a few days ago) was reflecting on a gospel passage for Oxygen. In the end I included Lewis' passage in the day's reflection because it was very apt.

Then, today, I opened a Good News reflection my mum sent me, and there it was again, the exact quoted passage:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and probably be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the coffin or casket of your selfishness."

~C.S. Lewis

I think it means...I have to ponder on what that passage says.

A Fairy Tale: The Rose of the Beast

Just enough moisture to keep it alive
As long as the beast lives
Breathing artificial air
Within a glass, window-less cell

Exposed for all to see
But hidden, weeping to grieve
As it races towards a time
When red, rosy petals strew below

When its protector is laid to rest
And its jailer is no more
But perhaps Beauty will intervene
She who sleeps now, awaken to battle!

re-cognition

I know why I'm afraid! It's because if I try and I can't make it (whatever that means - criticism, lack of quantity etcetc) then I'll feel as though my (imagined, perceived) meaning in life has come to an end.

It's the twenty-fifth of July today, but that's not supposed to mean anything...
Guess what I mean to say is, maybe I should check out the free admission to the Art Museum later on.

"Lord Jesus, make my heart like yours. Give me the love and courage to look beyond myself and to serve others generously, as you did." (from the reflection at the Word Among Us website)

open arms

The Lord...always provides a way back to Him. No matter what we have done.

That's what I received from watching the chronicles of King David - how even a sinful person, but a repentant one who desires to be a servant of God (again), may struggle through hardship but will never be alone.

Even after all the noise of the world - worries, glamour, insults, accusations, misdeeds, misunderstandings, duties - God still waits for us in the quiet of our rooms, our hearts.

The boy looked in his lunchbox
at the little that he had
He wasn't sure what good it'd do
there were thousands to be fed

But he saw the twinkling eyes of Jesus
the kindness in His smile
and the boy cried out
with the trust of a child
he said:

"Take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will
I surrender
Take my fears and inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all
to feed them all"

~Corrinne May, 'Five Loaves and Two Fishes'

U-HUuuuuu!

Something tells me its when I stop trying, tugging, pulling, struggling...then will I be at peace. Then will I be satisfied. Then will I see what I have already.

It's such a common-sense equation, 1 +1 =2.

Then why do I feel it's just as tough as playing Jeremy's game of 'you have to remember to forget that you are playing this game of trying to forget, or else you lose and you're out of the game"?

Maybe because I think UHU glue can fix everything, so I try to piece the pieces back, only to find that it looks worse, plus I get glooey fingers!

Maybe I'll find some joy in peeling off all the dried glue....I do, you know =)

The Milky Way

Beyond the shelter of white chalk
I've stepped out
Unto some kind of uneven ground
into swirling mists, and moving lights

Almost able to peer into
The future, but not quite
What I had expected does not
make sense into nonsense

Still, an absence of fear
For which I am grateful
but suspicious,
for when do we leave that behind?

Suspiciously excited step
Cautiously edging step
Uncertain bridging step
Kill expectation step

"Maybe there is nothing,"
said in the hope of something.

~inspired by choir practice, ronan, warwick, oxford, chat, proud without pride, shining eyes, lost and looking for dinner, a cut on the hand, fumble-mumble

One-fifth of a century later

When I was a kid at 5, maybe 7, my dad took me to the Science Centre. There, he bought me a green Wall's ice-cream, the one with a white centre. I loved that brand then, because when the treat was in my tummy what was left was an ice-cream stick with a quote or question on it.

That one time, the question (visible even before you eat the green-white ice-lolly, while the answer was hidden on the other end of the stick) was, "What is at the end of everything?"

And I remember thinking, "What could it be? Is it heaven, like what I was taught? Or nothing, and we just go in the ground? Or something so unimaginable that nobody can describe?"

All throughout the process of gobbling down the treat I was thinking. I even forgot to enjoy the ice-cream that one time (regretting it later, I recall) because I wanted badly to get at the answer.

Finally, it came out. The answer: The letter 'g'

Of course, how could I not have known!

And I still keep that ice-cream stick in one of my 'memories' boxes today, because that was the day some lessons began.

Like realising some answers are right in front of me.
Like coming to understand that there are concepts too big for me to understand, and trying to do so will only make me overlook the things I have at the moment.
Like seeing that each one has its time - I don't know who controls the timing, it's just not me.
Like comprehending an end will come, and we will reach full-circle.

Today, I know the names of these lessons, but I'm still learning them.
They are: Wisdom, Grace, Faith and Hope.

no name game

I was given a marble the other day
"Hold it," I was told
But I disobey

Am I that kid
who gobbled the first marshmallow
Because I couldn't bid?

The marble stank
It burned, it pinched, it accused
too tight, too loose

I can't make up my mind
whether to run treadmill
Til I get brought the bill

Or just fall down
And break my crown
Maybe I can ask Mr Brown

It seems impossible. I cannot do it, I can't change it, even when it's my own! What does it take?
Conversion of heart

How does that happen? When will that happen? How do I make it happen?
Pray, and have faith

I kinda want to go -_-, but then, really, I asked and the entirety of an answer is contained in them.

all my hopes

stretching both arms up
as you face the eastern glimmer
that peeps from afar
bringing fresh dew, reborn light
a place of nowhere
because it is everywhere

I finally belong.

picture stories as a child

As a kid, I used to have this children's book where I could change the clothes of the characters in the picture story by turning this wheel at the side. The wheel held multiple items of clothes, like pants and skirts and shorts, which I could fit to match the top half of the character.

Just got reminded of this as I was using excel at work and freezed a column so I it would 'stick' while the other columns moved freely.

Usually, the clothes in the kid's book would fit, like a blouse with a skirt, a matching pants for a suit, a tee for a pair of shorts.

I wonder if life is meant to be that way?
Match match match
(and all the connotations that go with them)
If not, they shouldn't give us kids these kinds of books!

the climb

On Climbing: think it was tenzing who said only one foot after the other
anymore and he would have given up

On Perspective: the simple Caesar-bearing coin will always have two sides
no matter how many times you slice it

On Time: sometimes, eternity looks painful
especially when it's going to be very hot!

On Tapestry: a single thread, though it's colour brightly shines
can never see its purpose in the pattern of the grand design

just a....belief

I have a secret that I want to tell
(no it's not that I really really smell)

It's that someday, somewhere, where I may not be
You'll grow up strong, and loving, and free
You will be just the kind of person He has made you for
Think of what love can manage: times so much more!

With Sol's wisdom you'll say yes with a shout
No silent word can give you an aching bout

But 'tis a secret, my friend, it's true
You won't know it till it happens to you!

~inspired by the show 'Stranger than Fiction', which I watched for the second time on cable today.

"Because it's a book about a man who doesn't know he's about to die. And then dies. But if a man does know he's about to die and dies anyway. Dies- dies willingly, knowing that he could stop it, then- I mean, isn't that the type of man who you want to keep alive?" says one of the characters in the show.

Sound like anyone your know? *grinz*

Examining my consciousness

I've been wondering about the best way to approach examen consciousness, and as I sat in prayer today this image came to me.

It's like...placing my hand in a flowing stream, where many marbles of different colours and sizes are pushed along by the current. They, the marbles, are different events in my life,and the emotions that accompany each event. If I find one that particularly calls out to me, a bright colour, a sparkly tinge, a powerful emotion, I reach down to grab hold of it and examine it more closely. Not to question why or to ask how, but simply to hold, and to accept.

And then I must let go, for it will flow down the stream to a better place in the open ocean, where freedom is. I should not avoid inspecting them, because those which are important will only get trapped under weeds and rocks, and cannot make it out into the open sea without my help. Neither can I hold on to them for too long, for they will burn in my hand.

Their rightful place is in the open, free, life-giving Water.

PS Two of my friends have written extensively about the difference between examination of conscience and consciousness examen, two very different things, which I made the mistake of thinking were the same. Read their comments for more!

snapshot of the imagination

~The Illustrious Forger of Dreams, Max Ernst (1959)

almost as if

haunted by spectres of the night

but unafraid.

they watch,

yet cannot touch

neither to harm

nor console

the ghost within

that drifts,

drifts

drifts

shooting stars and cannon balls

"Creativity is a powerful place. And it shifts everything."

Welcome back. To me, I mean. I've decided that constant comparisons through online surfing, whether it be with celebrities, non-celebs and/or people I know, are very harmful for health. In all three aspects, the physical, emotional and spiritual. Comparisons block the mind and soul to things outside of the illusion of the other (person), while the images we call beautiful trap us in places we hate to be. If we hate ourselves and others because we envy, then there is no space for much else.

On the other hand, there is aspiration, and being inspired by another. To look up to that other and be motivated by the things they have achieved.

These two paths lead us down two very different emotions. In trying to figure out how I end up on one side or the other, I believe part of it boils down to choice. It may be an unconscious choice that I end up being jealous of another, but I don't think it's irreversible.

"I am the Way; I am Truth and Life"

If the Way is truth, it's to see myself without tinted lenses or the opacity of what the media spurts out on the goggle box. I know I'm not there yet, please pray for me.