So they say, know thyself

a hop, a skip, then a misstep
but it's ok, I've got nine lives
regret will not be my friend
nor caring, my neighbour

I climb the tree branches,
up up and away
far from the maddening crowd
into dense thickness

Until I find my servant
my soothing mockingbird
who will taunt me to sleep
and hopskipsing for my money

I don't need the bag lady's pity
Nor the crazy cat lady's food
Where others clamour I avoid
Stalking with an upturned tail: disgust

Slowly, in the growing darkness,
the silence thickens and I am
where I wish to be: all

alone.

grief

what is it that can pierce
through a veil of sorrow
to look upon a bygone face
of beauty and grace
and feel no regret, only a deep
utter, almost-breaking
love for the person you were
who reflects us all

that is why we so mourn, so grieve
you like a dear friend, far or near
because we see ourselves in you

Treasure in

What do you run on when you're out of faith?
Then I looked up and saw a framed Lord's Prayer before me on the table, with the picture of Jesus praying, and I knew.

The recent setback has hit me pretty hard, I have to admit. I guess I didn't only put in energy and time, but also my belief.

belief (italicised, bold, colour)

And now I'm forced to question: How much do I want this, how much more would I give up for it, were my beliefs founded on false promptings, what would others say?

When I was asked today how I felt now, I said: defeated.
In fact, I shouted it DEFEATED! *eek, sorry to the poor listener*

Yet, I also recall a certain message that talked about jars of clay...

"Therefore, since through God's mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to every man's conscience in the sight of God. And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing...

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body."

And now, I think, I need to find out what it means.
Amen.

If I could search the world for an answer for you, I would

If I could search the world for an answer for you, I would.

Don't inflict this pain on yourself. Don't give in to the loneliness.
Don't lose hope in the person you are; don't give up.

I see what cuts right down to your soul. I see it in your eyes.
I know you feel a desert around you now - don't, don't give in.

How many words does it take to build a bridge to you?
That you may walk across the empty space to safety
Into the arms of one who knows you, of one who made you
Into the land of the light

And even if you don't hear me now, don't see me
Even if you feel you're lost
I'll stand here, unnoticed, to protect you, my child
No matter what it costs me, I'll be here

~To those suffering

The heart of worship

Today's gospel reading is so powerful, and in a world where so many things bombard a person (not only the TV and Internet, but sometimes friends, acquaintances, enemies, family members too) its inevitable we sometimes fall short (of expectations), or fall apart.

Jesus said,
(paraphrased) There is absolutely no reason to be fearful and no need to rehearse what you might say.
“I myself shall give you a wisdom in speaking that all your adversaries will be powerless to resist or refute.”

That's really powerful and meaningful to me. Think about it: if his words are true, there is so much that we are holding on to, our baggage, our burdens, that doesn't need to be hanging around.

I believe he speaks from the heart of Wisdom, that he himself wants to give each of us this wisdom if only we ask, and trust.

on facebook

the web of connections meant for communication can also draw us into its snare and entangle us in hopeless anxiety, leaving us to struggle out of the mire, ironically filled with images of smiles.

I watched a podcast today by Hillsong. A pastor was talking about using what we have in our hands to bring alive what we have in our hearts. He said one reason we sometimes only look at a distant dream and detest what we already have is because what we have reminds us of...us. The present drudgery may be too much a reflection of ourselves, and we prefer the hopefulness of the designs in our hearts.

Yet, what we have in our hands now are also gifts from God to treasure, so that we use them to journey towards the goal, the calling and purpose, we were made for.

the shepherd and the blur-sotong sheep

hey hey, I'm back, after 11 months.
I just felt I had something to say out loud, something to...share?

Such as...have you ever wondered if some people in 'the crowd', frequently referred to in the Gospels as the multitudes standing in wide open spaces, following Jesus around, crossing rivers and lakes to catch sight of him, waiting around for bread and fish....had it ever crossed your mind that some of them actually felt insulted when Jesus went away on his own to pray, and said to their friends, "What a selfish man! Only thinking about himself, when so many people are waiting for him"? And the friends would agree...

And then they would turn around and go back to their own, old lives. Could Jesus really have let them go? You mean, he actually put prayer (and time-out) above their salvation, their healing?

This got me thinking (because all along I had thought, believed, there must be some way to keep everyone satisfied) that it's just not possible to split yourself (or your soul, unlike Lord Voldemort) into many many pieces and give everyone something.

I mean, if he did not work that miracle of pleasing the masses, there must be some reason...

Maybe because human need is so varied, and human desire is just insatiable.

And maybe I was looking at it the wrong way all along. It's not that he placed himself (solitude) above others (their healing); in order to place them above himself, he had to give God the highest place, and constantly go back to converse in the silence. Or else Jesus would have burnt out with exhaustion, dissolved in self-pity and cried out in disillusionment.

I sense I'm going through one hell'va lesson.

Amen.

PS Hallo again to whoever is reading this!

Finally, some time to sit down.

I mean, I've been sitting down for a pretty long time since work started last December, but I can't remember the last time I sat sat down (I'm sure I must have, one of those off-days that I took an M.C. for)

So. A bit of time to take stock, as opposed to watching them, and a bit of time to remember the bell tolls, outweighing the morning bell that goes (again, and again, and again).

Of course, I woudn't write anything incriminating. It's my new policy, the X-files policy. So the files are stored in my head.

Can I miss someone whom I don't remember knowing? Can I long for something which I don't recall having? Can there be a hole in the wall when I don't remember what filled that space in the first place? I guess ...yes. Since Augustine said we were restless until. Since Lewis feared to tread where even angels cannot. Since love is bigger than we know it and life has secrets we may never uncover.

It's who you give up to

Each person grows up learning how to look out for his or her well-being. Taking care when you cross the road, not talking to strangers, walking in a group at night...translates into 'don't get hurt' which goes beyond the physical level.

So the radical advice of ceasing to look out for yourself and merely focusing on one thing seems a little hard to swallow.

What if you don't see it coming Lord? After all, are you really here with me the whole time? What if you slip up? Aren't four eyes better than two? (assuming God has two!)

Sounds ridiculous that the Lord might make a mistake? I think these are the questions that lead (me) to a reluctance in surrendering.

But I think, feel, believe that surrendering is the best action anyone can do.

“Lord, I need your love in my life. Bind up the wounds in my heart, so that I can show others the way to your glorious kingdom!” (from the Word Among Us website)

ignorance is (short term) bliss

I'm beginning to feel I only know the tip of the iceberg....about myself.

It's slightly unnerving that a silent retreat can bring to light the little squirrels that gnaw away, small creatures I seldom see or hear in the daily traffic. And when unleashed they suddenly spring up into godzilla-sized thingies that I suddenly can't recognize the person I thought I knew. (I know a friend who hates and is afraid of squirrels, and now I can sympathize with her)

I'm not sure if I'd release them, given a choice to repeat the decision, but if I remember right this is what a Cenacle Sister said:

"It's the things you keep away in the dark that have the ability to control you."

True enough, fear is a controlling factor, and what better description of primal fear is there than the lurking darkness which hides alien creatures out of reach.

I did make a choice to want to know them (squirrels), and now that I do I can either fight or flee. The latter means I repress them once again, numb myself by past routines (it's not that tough to do), and follow pre-set model answers (easy-peasy!).

The former means re-analysing, admitting I've been wrong, re-organising perspectives, bringing barriers down.

WWJD?
argh...!

a season, a reason

How uncanny is this!

I had just read a passage from C.S. Lewis on love (last week), and later on (a few days ago) was reflecting on a gospel passage for Oxygen. In the end I included Lewis' passage in the day's reflection because it was very apt.

Then, today, I opened a Good News reflection my mum sent me, and there it was again, the exact quoted passage:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and probably be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the coffin or casket of your selfishness."

~C.S. Lewis

I think it means...I have to ponder on what that passage says.

A Fairy Tale: The Rose of the Beast

Just enough moisture to keep it alive
As long as the beast lives
Breathing artificial air
Within a glass, window-less cell

Exposed for all to see
But hidden, weeping to grieve
As it races towards a time
When red, rosy petals strew below

When its protector is laid to rest
And its jailer is no more
But perhaps Beauty will intervene
She who sleeps now, awaken to battle!

re-cognition

I know why I'm afraid! It's because if I try and I can't make it (whatever that means - criticism, lack of quantity etcetc) then I'll feel as though my (imagined, perceived) meaning in life has come to an end.

It's the twenty-fifth of July today, but that's not supposed to mean anything...
Guess what I mean to say is, maybe I should check out the free admission to the Art Museum later on.

"Lord Jesus, make my heart like yours. Give me the love and courage to look beyond myself and to serve others generously, as you did." (from the reflection at the Word Among Us website)

open arms

The Lord...always provides a way back to Him. No matter what we have done.

That's what I received from watching the chronicles of King David - how even a sinful person, but a repentant one who desires to be a servant of God (again), may struggle through hardship but will never be alone.

Even after all the noise of the world - worries, glamour, insults, accusations, misdeeds, misunderstandings, duties - God still waits for us in the quiet of our rooms, our hearts.

The boy looked in his lunchbox
at the little that he had
He wasn't sure what good it'd do
there were thousands to be fed

But he saw the twinkling eyes of Jesus
the kindness in His smile
and the boy cried out
with the trust of a child
he said:

"Take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will
I surrender
Take my fears and inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all
to feed them all"

~Corrinne May, 'Five Loaves and Two Fishes'

U-HUuuuuu!

Something tells me its when I stop trying, tugging, pulling, struggling...then will I be at peace. Then will I be satisfied. Then will I see what I have already.

It's such a common-sense equation, 1 +1 =2.

Then why do I feel it's just as tough as playing Jeremy's game of 'you have to remember to forget that you are playing this game of trying to forget, or else you lose and you're out of the game"?

Maybe because I think UHU glue can fix everything, so I try to piece the pieces back, only to find that it looks worse, plus I get glooey fingers!

Maybe I'll find some joy in peeling off all the dried glue....I do, you know =)

The Milky Way

Beyond the shelter of white chalk
I've stepped out
Unto some kind of uneven ground
into swirling mists, and moving lights

Almost able to peer into
The future, but not quite
What I had expected does not
make sense into nonsense

Still, an absence of fear
For which I am grateful
but suspicious,
for when do we leave that behind?

Suspiciously excited step
Cautiously edging step
Uncertain bridging step
Kill expectation step

"Maybe there is nothing,"
said in the hope of something.

~inspired by choir practice, ronan, warwick, oxford, chat, proud without pride, shining eyes, lost and looking for dinner, a cut on the hand, fumble-mumble

One-fifth of a century later

When I was a kid at 5, maybe 7, my dad took me to the Science Centre. There, he bought me a green Wall's ice-cream, the one with a white centre. I loved that brand then, because when the treat was in my tummy what was left was an ice-cream stick with a quote or question on it.

That one time, the question (visible even before you eat the green-white ice-lolly, while the answer was hidden on the other end of the stick) was, "What is at the end of everything?"

And I remember thinking, "What could it be? Is it heaven, like what I was taught? Or nothing, and we just go in the ground? Or something so unimaginable that nobody can describe?"

All throughout the process of gobbling down the treat I was thinking. I even forgot to enjoy the ice-cream that one time (regretting it later, I recall) because I wanted badly to get at the answer.

Finally, it came out. The answer: The letter 'g'

Of course, how could I not have known!

And I still keep that ice-cream stick in one of my 'memories' boxes today, because that was the day some lessons began.

Like realising some answers are right in front of me.
Like coming to understand that there are concepts too big for me to understand, and trying to do so will only make me overlook the things I have at the moment.
Like seeing that each one has its time - I don't know who controls the timing, it's just not me.
Like comprehending an end will come, and we will reach full-circle.

Today, I know the names of these lessons, but I'm still learning them.
They are: Wisdom, Grace, Faith and Hope.

no name game

I was given a marble the other day
"Hold it," I was told
But I disobey

Am I that kid
who gobbled the first marshmallow
Because I couldn't bid?

The marble stank
It burned, it pinched, it accused
too tight, too loose

I can't make up my mind
whether to run treadmill
Til I get brought the bill

Or just fall down
And break my crown
Maybe I can ask Mr Brown

It seems impossible. I cannot do it, I can't change it, even when it's my own! What does it take?
Conversion of heart

How does that happen? When will that happen? How do I make it happen?
Pray, and have faith

I kinda want to go -_-, but then, really, I asked and the entirety of an answer is contained in them.

all my hopes

stretching both arms up
as you face the eastern glimmer
that peeps from afar
bringing fresh dew, reborn light
a place of nowhere
because it is everywhere

I finally belong.