Cambridge: by the river 

5 hours

Just back from a Latin All Saints' Day Mass which started at 11am, today the daylight-saving came into effect, had 5.5 hours of sleep, had 5 hours of mad laughter and 'elusive' word puns and just plain sharing. new record!

Random events in a not-so-ramdon life. (well my parents din actually plan to say: lets have Mel on the 16th Feb!, but I sure would like to think I came into this world meeting happy expectations)

Anyway, why, you may ask, am I in a be-nice-to-me-or-I'll-bite mood? Partly cos I've got half an essay more to write up on 'Chaucer and Divine Providence in The Knight's Tale', partly cos I have to go down to practice netball later (not that I don't like it, its just the I've-got-to-get-out-of-the-house-again? syndrome), and mostly cos I'm continuously wishing things will be ok between.

It's just a wish. All things happen for a reason *see, I'm even writing an essay on Divine Providence* and one thing I believe He is teaching me is to trust. In Him. That all things come to those who wait on Him.

One thing I learnt after watching "Princess Diaries 2" yesterday is NOT to believe or fantasize in/about fairy tales. The landing and inevitable 'Welcome back to Earth' is much more painful on the rear that way! I mean, who believes in knowing your Mr/Ms Right when you've barely known the tip of the iceberg of their character? Lofty has asked me before, and my answer is still an adament "No, I don't believe in love at first sight".

oh, kim, I havn't laughed like that in ages. well, the only exceptions probably being watching "White Chicks" and "Shark Tale" and "Bride and Prejudice" and "Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow". even then u beat them flat. sigh told u I spend too much for too little over here: that's 4 x 5 pounds!

see see see: Shi Hui and I went Cambridge last week. And I coincidentally, accidentally, suddenly bumped into Weiwen! who's taking engine there starting this year....he showed us round his campus, Queens' College.

Ok, back to Divine Providence, Palomon, Arcite and Theseus, Venus, Mars, and Jupitar, Boethius and Aristotle.....the real question is, did God plan that I stop right here or is it Free Will that I possess? tune in to De Consolatione Philosophaie to find out....

Always...

Forgiveness is a continuous process. Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go, not of the memory, but of the pain that comes with remembrance. Who else can make it possible but God? Everything in our human nature shouts to seek compensation for the hurt caused, an explanation for the wrong done, even revenge. But when we realize what the real goal is, there is peace within which the world cannot give.

She will..

Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I’ve had you so many times but somehow
I want more

I don’t mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get insecure
It doesn’t matter anymore

It’s not always rainbows and butterflies
It’s compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door’s always open
You can come anytime you want

Alone but never lonely....

Inward self-reflection with God's guidence (meaning u dun go off-tangent thinking terrible or unhealthy thoughts, nor fantasize or scheme) is good. It leads to self-knowledge, an important key, so have said St Teresa of Avila (The Interior Castle), Daniel Goleman(Emotional Intelligence) and The Oracle at Delphi. The stairway inward (I wonder how such a stairway would look like) is, possibly (since i'm not expert), through prayer. And then, in coming to terms with your emotions, good or evil, there is

Peace.

Joy.

Love.

Lord, help me remain in You.

so many deaths in this world

so many deaths in this world; you begin to wonder if its inevitable.

Inevitably, the answer is yes.

Of people you knew, through a friend, someone on the news, or someone whom you love. or used to, then. since they're gone.

Lord I only pray for hope, to continue to believe. In what? In the continuous power of Your grace, that You will heal the wounds. In the eternity of Your love, that it superceeds everything else. In the strength You had to bear the cross.

Down, but never broken. should we even be 'down'? what then is the peace that the world cannot give, nor take away? where then is the immeasurable happiness; only found in heaven? No, a piece of it is here, tho not the whole, for the world is not perfect. And it can be found within, not without. Not without grief, sadness over a betrayal, pity of another, helplessness of it all. But within the heart that continues to go on, in spite of it all. That's how we flex our muscles of the heart (or rather the heart, a muscle).

just for laughs! 

"i want to make u feel beautiful..."

Funny how a phone call back to Singapore can change my mood. To lift my spirits, to believe once again in hope. 2 calls, and a frenster msg, tat's what made me smile today, 1 meeting in Snappers, and my whole day turns grey. Make tat dark. I guess tat's what happens when one puts too many eggs into A basket. Not a prudent decision. Thank God for Shi Hui!

I attended the Leicester Uni Chorale singing practice held at Fraser Noble Blg today, with Jon Fok and Gerrie. It was great! back once again singing, part of a voice, a melody, an inspiration. I feel so uplifted when I remember my passions, and lean not on human dependencies. Round your mouth, use your diaphram, mind your f and p. Then mozart's reqeuim mass forms in chorus and the hall fills with gusto, emotion, and echos.

The Death of a Friend

O how we used to laugh
At the silliest things
Roaring brawls and gleeful mirth
Over coffee, mistakes and flings

O how we always shared
The spoils of food and daily battle
The spoilt expectations and pains
That turn us to mettle

Do you see me from above?
Opposite an empty chair, looking out
Using other worlds of black-white
To build my paper-mache, hollow, without

But the sun's out now
The cruel glare hitting home
And I see the distance between
You across the room, unknown.

written 4 Oct 2004

I will remember days in avalon...

Alone. Does everyone feel tat? Are they feeling it now? Or is it jus the rise and fall of melancholy? A fren asked this question in her blog: what is a friend? Is it someone whom u say 'hi' to? Someone before whom you wear this smiling mask? Someone whom U find it easy to tell your day's details to? Someone who listens well? Someone who wants to be with you? Someone who knows your faults and failures? Someone who loves you for it? I'm so scared to let anyone in.

*knock knock*

Do I choose the people? Or do they choose me? Or does God choose for me?

*knock knock*

only those involved understand.. 

neurotic

The gospel today was St Luke's rendition of how Simon Peter got 'caught' by Jesus, and the leap of faith Peter took to say "but if you say so, I will". wow. It's a tough one. Everyday, all around us, the many voices outside (and in!) speak, call, shout. To hear Him is already one thing. To LISTEN is the next. Fr Stephen's homily didn't fail to 'hit' me once again; I believe he prays much, and listens. Because only then can we make an impact in others' lives, without God's direction, we'll be groping blindly in the dark, maybe striking luck sometimes, and maybe not.

Fear. It holds us back. We lose. I'm scared. Scared of fear.
And tat, ladies and gentlemen, is wat we call irony. Ha. Ha.
Skeptical me, does anyone noe? Is it a lie when I hide it? Or is it me trying to do my best to keep the ugly part in the dark? Two ends of a spectrum, and I don't know which I'm at.
And tat, ladies and gentlemen,...

I've learnt today, that its easy loving the kids, not so easy with irritating, frustrating adults. But God calls us to love them all the same.

Feather of lead, bright smoke, cold fire, sick health

for 369. its 3.17 am now...of course not without some chatting to ease the nite. Thanks matt for the ideas, and your constant support dude...
listening to Jay Chou's lastest, thanks to Adrian Sim :) have to train up my China-'polished' Mandarin, cos the China-born dun have a clue wat I'm saying, not to mention others of likewise species as I. sigh. So I have Ping Guan wif me too...will it work? Probably should have chatted wif Rosa more last year, I wish she's going to be there when I get back. Still havn't come up wif what to say in front of the new-initiates. probably show them how we slit the dotted line and mix our blood in a....nah, tat's too morbid, and bordering on 'haram'. haha kudos to hakim and az.

and so we spill the milk and bite back the tears.

and so we resist the wizard's spell of 'pillar of salt'.

and so we write a thesis on 'The Reason' (Hoobastank).

morning in brighton 

simply complicated

yup! its been 3 months since the last entry, but I'm back! so much has happened...life is that scary. and if I didn't have my Angel behind me, I prob wouldn't be as sane as I am now (of course, that is RELATIVE) hee. how do you look at the Great T, a xin-fact, without squeezing your eyes shut and covering your face because you dare not finally understand where aliens come from? how? I don't know. Courage: Not the absence of fear, but the decisive action INSPITE of fear. But when u noe its a xin....

I'm tired. And to think its the hols!The one and only 3-mth summer hols in which you'd just live in the fairy-tale so oft described in the words of models ready to turn super-models at their next Miss Universe. And so it is: a fairy-tale. Because time doesn't stop for thee, and 'this same flower that blooms today, tomorrow will be dying'. Does it seem unfair? perhaps. Am I stupid to let it be? perhaps. Or maybe sometimes we're just defenceless in the face of the Tsunami.

To the Edge of the Black Hole, and Back

Precipice, stand
On the line
That divides

Truth and the abyss
What width
Is this line

Pull, now!
Fight gravity
“Arise Lazarus”

One knows Beauty
Only being
post-grave.

written on 12 Aug 2004

I'm so going to miss them.... 

He knows how I feel 

First ever, on my own...

Now people who know me know that I detest starting blogs because I KNOW I'm never committed to updating them. Why start a blog? Live life to the max, and APPRECIATE people and nature and events: Dun sit in your room typing about wats going on when its going on! BUT...."why start this blog?" I hear u. Because in reading several blogs belonging to close friends, my thinking changed. In ways I wanna share...Now then, tat's why people keep blogs. Becos they wanna share, wif frens, wif others, wif the world; to connect, to NOT BE ALONE. Not to allow a sad condition of life to touch them;whether it is a feasible idea or merely an illusion I cannot tell. No one has the answers. All we can do is make the best out of what we have.

So what have I read?I have read about the lives of frens: colourful, energy-filled, bursting with laughter, overflowing with friendship. The start, movement, fall of relationships, the stress of exams, the importance of family,dillusionmet, power of love. All these in the lives of my friends all over the place: Australia, Singapore, UK, CTK. I was touched by Cherry's tribute to the death of her fren; happy for the constant ongoings in Matthew's days; glad to be at Mun's birthday.

HIT by the implications of the meaning "TO LIVE"

Rehearse

Admire: Fall short of sky
Admired: A folly and lie
Aspire: To live or die
Expire.

Belief: In Him I dare not question
Believe: Or fear of rejection
Befall: Come what may, NO!
Be-Fallen.

(Masks, tears under smiles
Rage hid ‘neath wiles)
Act I: Begin
To Exeunt

written 4th Feb 2004

When we are born, we cry that we are come to this great stage of fools. (Lear, IV.vi)

Rite! I've finished Stage 1 of packing! That is: 'things to store in Ben's/ Jon's place during summer'.Stage 2 under way: 'things to put in my luggage which is heading home on the 5th of June'! Absolutely can't wait!