on facebook

the web of connections meant for communication can also draw us into its snare and entangle us in hopeless anxiety, leaving us to struggle out of the mire, ironically filled with images of smiles.

I watched a podcast today by Hillsong. A pastor was talking about using what we have in our hands to bring alive what we have in our hearts. He said one reason we sometimes only look at a distant dream and detest what we already have is because what we have reminds us of...us. The present drudgery may be too much a reflection of ourselves, and we prefer the hopefulness of the designs in our hearts.

Yet, what we have in our hands now are also gifts from God to treasure, so that we use them to journey towards the goal, the calling and purpose, we were made for.

the shepherd and the blur-sotong sheep

hey hey, I'm back, after 11 months.
I just felt I had something to say out loud, something to...share?

Such as...have you ever wondered if some people in 'the crowd', frequently referred to in the Gospels as the multitudes standing in wide open spaces, following Jesus around, crossing rivers and lakes to catch sight of him, waiting around for bread and fish....had it ever crossed your mind that some of them actually felt insulted when Jesus went away on his own to pray, and said to their friends, "What a selfish man! Only thinking about himself, when so many people are waiting for him"? And the friends would agree...

And then they would turn around and go back to their own, old lives. Could Jesus really have let them go? You mean, he actually put prayer (and time-out) above their salvation, their healing?

This got me thinking (because all along I had thought, believed, there must be some way to keep everyone satisfied) that it's just not possible to split yourself (or your soul, unlike Lord Voldemort) into many many pieces and give everyone something.

I mean, if he did not work that miracle of pleasing the masses, there must be some reason...

Maybe because human need is so varied, and human desire is just insatiable.

And maybe I was looking at it the wrong way all along. It's not that he placed himself (solitude) above others (their healing); in order to place them above himself, he had to give God the highest place, and constantly go back to converse in the silence. Or else Jesus would have burnt out with exhaustion, dissolved in self-pity and cried out in disillusionment.

I sense I'm going through one hell'va lesson.

Amen.

PS Hallo again to whoever is reading this!

Finally, some time to sit down.

I mean, I've been sitting down for a pretty long time since work started last December, but I can't remember the last time I sat sat down (I'm sure I must have, one of those off-days that I took an M.C. for)

So. A bit of time to take stock, as opposed to watching them, and a bit of time to remember the bell tolls, outweighing the morning bell that goes (again, and again, and again).

Of course, I woudn't write anything incriminating. It's my new policy, the X-files policy. So the files are stored in my head.

Can I miss someone whom I don't remember knowing? Can I long for something which I don't recall having? Can there be a hole in the wall when I don't remember what filled that space in the first place? I guess ...yes. Since Augustine said we were restless until. Since Lewis feared to tread where even angels cannot. Since love is bigger than we know it and life has secrets we may never uncover.

It's who you give up to

Each person grows up learning how to look out for his or her well-being. Taking care when you cross the road, not talking to strangers, walking in a group at night...translates into 'don't get hurt' which goes beyond the physical level.

So the radical advice of ceasing to look out for yourself and merely focusing on one thing seems a little hard to swallow.

What if you don't see it coming Lord? After all, are you really here with me the whole time? What if you slip up? Aren't four eyes better than two? (assuming God has two!)

Sounds ridiculous that the Lord might make a mistake? I think these are the questions that lead (me) to a reluctance in surrendering.

But I think, feel, believe that surrendering is the best action anyone can do.

“Lord, I need your love in my life. Bind up the wounds in my heart, so that I can show others the way to your glorious kingdom!” (from the Word Among Us website)

ignorance is (short term) bliss

I'm beginning to feel I only know the tip of the iceberg....about myself.

It's slightly unnerving that a silent retreat can bring to light the little squirrels that gnaw away, small creatures I seldom see or hear in the daily traffic. And when unleashed they suddenly spring up into godzilla-sized thingies that I suddenly can't recognize the person I thought I knew. (I know a friend who hates and is afraid of squirrels, and now I can sympathize with her)

I'm not sure if I'd release them, given a choice to repeat the decision, but if I remember right this is what a Cenacle Sister said:

"It's the things you keep away in the dark that have the ability to control you."

True enough, fear is a controlling factor, and what better description of primal fear is there than the lurking darkness which hides alien creatures out of reach.

I did make a choice to want to know them (squirrels), and now that I do I can either fight or flee. The latter means I repress them once again, numb myself by past routines (it's not that tough to do), and follow pre-set model answers (easy-peasy!).

The former means re-analysing, admitting I've been wrong, re-organising perspectives, bringing barriers down.

WWJD?
argh...!

a season, a reason

How uncanny is this!

I had just read a passage from C.S. Lewis on love (last week), and later on (a few days ago) was reflecting on a gospel passage for Oxygen. In the end I included Lewis' passage in the day's reflection because it was very apt.

Then, today, I opened a Good News reflection my mum sent me, and there it was again, the exact quoted passage:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and probably be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the coffin or casket of your selfishness."

~C.S. Lewis

I think it means...I have to ponder on what that passage says.

A Fairy Tale: The Rose of the Beast

Just enough moisture to keep it alive
As long as the beast lives
Breathing artificial air
Within a glass, window-less cell

Exposed for all to see
But hidden, weeping to grieve
As it races towards a time
When red, rosy petals strew below

When its protector is laid to rest
And its jailer is no more
But perhaps Beauty will intervene
She who sleeps now, awaken to battle!

re-cognition

I know why I'm afraid! It's because if I try and I can't make it (whatever that means - criticism, lack of quantity etcetc) then I'll feel as though my (imagined, perceived) meaning in life has come to an end.

It's the twenty-fifth of July today, but that's not supposed to mean anything...
Guess what I mean to say is, maybe I should check out the free admission to the Art Museum later on.

"Lord Jesus, make my heart like yours. Give me the love and courage to look beyond myself and to serve others generously, as you did." (from the reflection at the Word Among Us website)

open arms

The Lord...always provides a way back to Him. No matter what we have done.

That's what I received from watching the chronicles of King David - how even a sinful person, but a repentant one who desires to be a servant of God (again), may struggle through hardship but will never be alone.

Even after all the noise of the world - worries, glamour, insults, accusations, misdeeds, misunderstandings, duties - God still waits for us in the quiet of our rooms, our hearts.

The boy looked in his lunchbox
at the little that he had
He wasn't sure what good it'd do
there were thousands to be fed

But he saw the twinkling eyes of Jesus
the kindness in His smile
and the boy cried out
with the trust of a child
he said:

"Take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will
I surrender
Take my fears and inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all
to feed them all"

~Corrinne May, 'Five Loaves and Two Fishes'

U-HUuuuuu!

Something tells me its when I stop trying, tugging, pulling, struggling...then will I be at peace. Then will I be satisfied. Then will I see what I have already.

It's such a common-sense equation, 1 +1 =2.

Then why do I feel it's just as tough as playing Jeremy's game of 'you have to remember to forget that you are playing this game of trying to forget, or else you lose and you're out of the game"?

Maybe because I think UHU glue can fix everything, so I try to piece the pieces back, only to find that it looks worse, plus I get glooey fingers!

Maybe I'll find some joy in peeling off all the dried glue....I do, you know =)

The Milky Way

Beyond the shelter of white chalk
I've stepped out
Unto some kind of uneven ground
into swirling mists, and moving lights

Almost able to peer into
The future, but not quite
What I had expected does not
make sense into nonsense

Still, an absence of fear
For which I am grateful
but suspicious,
for when do we leave that behind?

Suspiciously excited step
Cautiously edging step
Uncertain bridging step
Kill expectation step

"Maybe there is nothing,"
said in the hope of something.

~inspired by choir practice, ronan, warwick, oxford, chat, proud without pride, shining eyes, lost and looking for dinner, a cut on the hand, fumble-mumble

One-fifth of a century later

When I was a kid at 5, maybe 7, my dad took me to the Science Centre. There, he bought me a green Wall's ice-cream, the one with a white centre. I loved that brand then, because when the treat was in my tummy what was left was an ice-cream stick with a quote or question on it.

That one time, the question (visible even before you eat the green-white ice-lolly, while the answer was hidden on the other end of the stick) was, "What is at the end of everything?"

And I remember thinking, "What could it be? Is it heaven, like what I was taught? Or nothing, and we just go in the ground? Or something so unimaginable that nobody can describe?"

All throughout the process of gobbling down the treat I was thinking. I even forgot to enjoy the ice-cream that one time (regretting it later, I recall) because I wanted badly to get at the answer.

Finally, it came out. The answer: The letter 'g'

Of course, how could I not have known!

And I still keep that ice-cream stick in one of my 'memories' boxes today, because that was the day some lessons began.

Like realising some answers are right in front of me.
Like coming to understand that there are concepts too big for me to understand, and trying to do so will only make me overlook the things I have at the moment.
Like seeing that each one has its time - I don't know who controls the timing, it's just not me.
Like comprehending an end will come, and we will reach full-circle.

Today, I know the names of these lessons, but I'm still learning them.
They are: Wisdom, Grace, Faith and Hope.

no name game

I was given a marble the other day
"Hold it," I was told
But I disobey

Am I that kid
who gobbled the first marshmallow
Because I couldn't bid?

The marble stank
It burned, it pinched, it accused
too tight, too loose

I can't make up my mind
whether to run treadmill
Til I get brought the bill

Or just fall down
And break my crown
Maybe I can ask Mr Brown

It seems impossible. I cannot do it, I can't change it, even when it's my own! What does it take?
Conversion of heart

How does that happen? When will that happen? How do I make it happen?
Pray, and have faith

I kinda want to go -_-, but then, really, I asked and the entirety of an answer is contained in them.

all my hopes

stretching both arms up
as you face the eastern glimmer
that peeps from afar
bringing fresh dew, reborn light
a place of nowhere
because it is everywhere

I finally belong.

picture stories as a child

As a kid, I used to have this children's book where I could change the clothes of the characters in the picture story by turning this wheel at the side. The wheel held multiple items of clothes, like pants and skirts and shorts, which I could fit to match the top half of the character.

Just got reminded of this as I was using excel at work and freezed a column so I it would 'stick' while the other columns moved freely.

Usually, the clothes in the kid's book would fit, like a blouse with a skirt, a matching pants for a suit, a tee for a pair of shorts.

I wonder if life is meant to be that way?
Match match match
(and all the connotations that go with them)
If not, they shouldn't give us kids these kinds of books!

the climb

On Climbing: think it was tenzing who said only one foot after the other
anymore and he would have given up

On Perspective: the simple Caesar-bearing coin will always have two sides
no matter how many times you slice it

On Time: sometimes, eternity looks painful
especially when it's going to be very hot!

On Tapestry: a single thread, though it's colour brightly shines
can never see its purpose in the pattern of the grand design

just a....belief

I have a secret that I want to tell
(no it's not that I really really smell)

It's that someday, somewhere, where I may not be
You'll grow up strong, and loving, and free
You will be just the kind of person He has made you for
Think of what love can manage: times so much more!

With Sol's wisdom you'll say yes with a shout
No silent word can give you an aching bout

But 'tis a secret, my friend, it's true
You won't know it till it happens to you!

~inspired by the show 'Stranger than Fiction', which I watched for the second time on cable today.

"Because it's a book about a man who doesn't know he's about to die. And then dies. But if a man does know he's about to die and dies anyway. Dies- dies willingly, knowing that he could stop it, then- I mean, isn't that the type of man who you want to keep alive?" says one of the characters in the show.

Sound like anyone your know? *grinz*

Examining my consciousness

I've been wondering about the best way to approach examen consciousness, and as I sat in prayer today this image came to me.

It's like...placing my hand in a flowing stream, where many marbles of different colours and sizes are pushed along by the current. They, the marbles, are different events in my life,and the emotions that accompany each event. If I find one that particularly calls out to me, a bright colour, a sparkly tinge, a powerful emotion, I reach down to grab hold of it and examine it more closely. Not to question why or to ask how, but simply to hold, and to accept.

And then I must let go, for it will flow down the stream to a better place in the open ocean, where freedom is. I should not avoid inspecting them, because those which are important will only get trapped under weeds and rocks, and cannot make it out into the open sea without my help. Neither can I hold on to them for too long, for they will burn in my hand.

Their rightful place is in the open, free, life-giving Water.

PS Two of my friends have written extensively about the difference between examination of conscience and consciousness examen, two very different things, which I made the mistake of thinking were the same. Read their comments for more!

snapshot of the imagination

~The Illustrious Forger of Dreams, Max Ernst (1959)

almost as if

haunted by spectres of the night

but unafraid.

they watch,

yet cannot touch

neither to harm

nor console

the ghost within

that drifts,

drifts

drifts

shooting stars and cannon balls

"Creativity is a powerful place. And it shifts everything."

Welcome back. To me, I mean. I've decided that constant comparisons through online surfing, whether it be with celebrities, non-celebs and/or people I know, are very harmful for health. In all three aspects, the physical, emotional and spiritual. Comparisons block the mind and soul to things outside of the illusion of the other (person), while the images we call beautiful trap us in places we hate to be. If we hate ourselves and others because we envy, then there is no space for much else.

On the other hand, there is aspiration, and being inspired by another. To look up to that other and be motivated by the things they have achieved.

These two paths lead us down two very different emotions. In trying to figure out how I end up on one side or the other, I believe part of it boils down to choice. It may be an unconscious choice that I end up being jealous of another, but I don't think it's irreversible.

"I am the Way; I am Truth and Life"

If the Way is truth, it's to see myself without tinted lenses or the opacity of what the media spurts out on the goggle box. I know I'm not there yet, please pray for me.

whether the weather

I was watching The Weather Man this evening on HBO (or was it Cinemax?), the one with Nicholas Cage and Michael Caine. It started off wonderfully realistic and true to life.

I.e. The mundane day-to-day job, the broken family, the dad who never seems to approve, the kids on drugs and cigarettes.

That's the only reason why I kept watching.
Well, no, I don't like inflicting pain on myself, but I was curious to find out what he (Nicholas Cage plays Dave Spritz) would end up. Suicidal? Insane? Or would it be a 'feel-good-movie' and he would gain confidence in himself, the family would wake up and put in effort to change too, and it would all be alright?

What struck me was when Dave's dad, the made-it-to-the-top-alas-my-poor-son Pulitzer Prize winner Robert Spritz (Michael Caine) said:

David, sacrifice is... to get anything of value, you have to sacrifice.
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the
same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. "Easy" doesn't enter into grown-up
life.

This was a conversation between a 40 year old and a 70 year old...I guess lessons never arrive too late, huh?

love/suffering

"Love may forgive all infirmities and love still in spite of them: but Love cannot cease to will their removal."
~ C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

Truly I believe this encapsulates perfect love, and that is the love of God for us. Not forgetting that a portion of this love exists between parent and child, husband and wife, and perhaps ( yes, I do think) between friend and friend.

That's why love and suffering will always be two sides of the same coin: one cannot be without the other. If you wish to go through life without suffering, it would mean to give up caring for others, at the same time missing out on the possibilities of a much greater joy you can gain.

On the other hand, if you wish to live a life of love - true, accepting and forgiving - you must be ready to feel the pinches, because we live in a world of differences.

Still, those who have known true love will attest to its worth, much greater than a cold heart devoid of suffering can offer.


Below is another one I like:
"Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither."
C. S. Lewis

It reminds me of one I heard when I was in secondary school, and which has encouraged me when I fall short of my own expectations: "Aim sky, hit tree. Aim tree, hit ground."

A Stubborn Covetous Weak Perfectionist Fool.

Despite that, let it be a Fool for You.

To two of my most wonderful friends, one of whom walked with me this night to Ave 2 to have a late-night teh because I was feeling stressed and at my wits end, the other having spent so many hours and so much effort in a bid to fix a sometimes-fuzzy-sometimes-crossed line: Thank you.

Thank you for taking my hand when my eyes were closed, and leading me to the smell of fresh, lush spring-green pasture. Thank you for reassuring me with the fact that sunlight is shining, almost bursting, right outside those closed lids, just past paper-thin stretched skin. Thank you for helping me pick the gritty pebbles out of my left shoe, for remembering the tissue on our breath-taking excursions, for placing my blind groping hand in the hand of One who will lovingly lead me.

And to those who feel squashed in a small dark corner, or tripping over nasty enemy-laid trap-lines, or plain frustrated with the piling responsibilities and claims made on you, don't give up.
Don't give in to the thoughts that lure you into further (hidden) slavery, don't give up on the good that you've initially decided to promote, don't lose hope.

There's a peace that's found even at the bottom of a pit, if only you trust (again) in a Love greater than man's.

A helpful related link that's a reflection of Wednesday's readings:
A Spider's Web

Milky Way

aiyoyo, nearly forgot my login name. again.

Now that she's back in the atmosphere
Might be the most adequate way to begin this post - have been essay-slogging-away (the dreaded E word) and have one last one left before...well, before whatever comes next. Really.

It's wonderful to smell Summer in a place of perpetual summer, high-five with the Borat of my house, cook for my mama and papa, and so much more.

It has been wonderful, but nothing beats the re-entry. (after 1460 revolutions of the Earth)
grinz
I still have a last Freudian dash to make, so busy might be the word of the month.

kae? thanks!

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know you're wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me

I'm so far away from You
Please bring me back
I need to get out of my mind
And into Yours
The blockhead that I am

no, these are not lyrics to a song, nor do the lines form a poem
It's an impassioned plea of the present

my preciousssss

Let me not bore you any longer about the lack of progress in my work. (but if you do wish to read see below kekeke)

Here are some presents I recently received! Huge Jap chocolate bar; shawls, an 'evil eye' bracelet and a bookmark from Turkey; and - best of the wonderful lot- a full set of Corpse Bride collectibles!

looking for the best place to...

Somebody famous said voyeurism is bad. Well, in more refined terms than mine. But when you're addicted...

I need a nicotine patch (ok, if you're wondering, nothing really bad, just blogs. I'm beginning to think they're just as pernicious in their own right)

Looking for the best place in town to write a gooooood essay!
Managed to complete a thou words in 2 hours in a house not my own, but in one that belongs to yours truly I'm a lazy lousy student who loves to irritate her di full stop

Bother

wibbly wobbly

If I can only write essays after 12.30 am and before 6am then I must needs turn into a vampire and forsake all earthly companions.

Which is what I did today.
Alas, more writing in point form than coherent paragraphs, but hopefully it's the first step towards the whole.

Another reason against the academic dream!

feeling: panicky, better than just now i.e. less sneezing and coughing

let's dance

woke up, walked you to the station, and then went home still smelling like summer

mmmmm.....

time to boogie with the work *sigh*


PS Transformers is (are?) hotttttttt!!!!!

3 guys, a girl and a messy kitchen

Everyone's gone! It's down to Mot, IK, Rann and I.
And that's from 6 guys and 6 girls in a flat!

So tired, I popped my head out of the window so my hair could dry and nearly fell asleep.
It's summer, and 15 degress cel. outside. brrr

Another long day of books and (hopefully singing) and more books tomorrow.

Only with God my soul can find its rest,
find its rest and peace.
~ Taize chant

timetable

cooking porridge at 6.05am

10.30am To see the model of femininity: my HOD (who has a professorship from cambridge, family and good dress sense)

11am To meet my tutor, the genius of psychoanalysis who has translated works by Laplanche and written highly acclaimed articles and books on Freud

2.3opm To see off my course-mate who is probably the first to finish all her essays (3 months before the deadline) and will be getting married in a few months' time

3.30pm To speak to a couple over skype - my parents hehehehe

static velocity

a few blogs later....


it's not happening.


I'm heading to the library now.

Which tree can I pluck motivation from??!!


















Pic courtesy of www.doodleaday.co.uk

morning

Today's dawn is a cloudy grey one, the sky slowly turning a shy blue but not quite yet. An adolescent boy from a mission school on his first excursion to a Girl-Guides bonfire night.

wow, look at you now
Flowers in the window
It's such a lovely day
And I'm glad you feel the same
'cos to stand up I'm in the crowd
You are one in a million
And I love you so; let's watch the flowers grow

'Flowers in the Window' by Travis

Here is a poignant poem, An Arundel Tomb, which was (is?) a favourite of my JC literature teacher. Oh, especially that last line!

on envy and it's antithesis

To compare is to err, but, oh, how hard it is to do otherwise!

Comparison leads to envy,
envy leads to hate,
hate leads to....
well, you know this one.

Indeed, those who face such a problem know that there is 'no rest for the wicked':
the vicious cycle of envy and looking at others' green pastures and wishing and longing and fighting for which is never enough.

Stratagems to do otherwise:
to look at, aspire to, the one who is perfect, and who in that perfection loves all who are imperfect.

At age 14, I learnt that attrition and pressure release were weathering processes in Geography.
At 23, I am learning that contrition and loving are processes too.

Truly truly thank God for the people he has sent into my life, for those I have met or spoken to over the phone or msn or facebook or received a mail from have been so generous with their time and sincerity, especially these past two months. Even if it has just been a sentence of telling me about your life, a phrase of well-wishes or a conversation about future plans, each means so much.

He never leaves us bereft or broken, because he will send his messengers to support and love.

not much of a title is this title

Where will I be 14 days later?
I can't even answer that
In which place in time and space,
In work and play, sorrowful or gay

(that makes a lousy rhyme)
here's what I mean

The blank darkness that looms ahead;
One like me has an impulse to flee -
Nothing I've experienced before
Something out of a folktale or lore.

Oh, I know I'm running away,
Or at least creating a delay
When I have hot chocolate with marshmallows
and apple brambly turnover in a single day.

(apple brambly turnover)

Yet what difference is this
From the mystery that life is?
When death or accident will overtake us
And if not, that'll only be, might only be, a plus.

Trite though words may seem
They present the kernel of what is
And unless you want to disregard centre
Be wary of the judgements that enter

Interestingly enough, after writing this I dropped half of my turnover, cream and all, on the table, chair and carpet. While I usually would have moaned (being the perfectionist I am, about not having dropped it 90 degrees pointing east), I felt absolutely no emotion after the occurrence. Scarily interesting, interestingly scary.

dearest dearest dearest dre, and matt, and jen,
thank you. your weighty words of well-wishes will carry me through.

oh lord come to our aid
make haste to help us

hellllppppp
typing this in the middle of a flurry of appointments with lecturers, consultants, event managers, and I still haven't done my essay that's due in less than 2 weeks
dead duck merry muck still stuck

I want to go home and sleep

A day out in pictures

Summer Break! Now you see us...





Now you don't!





City of Coventry: Catheral, Shopping malls and Council houses



The old Benedictine Priory grounds



The ruined cathedral of St. Michael.

It dates from 1300 A.D. and was one of the largest parish churches in England.One can imagine how it stood, with its walls, stumps of pillars and the altar still surviving.

On the top left you can see the roof of the new cathedral, which is large and grand and very modern. Think design and space of St. Mary of the Angels... x 20.




This is it: the new St Michael

What do you live for?

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards. - Søren Kierkegaard

Very true, and either tragic or inspiring, depending on which way you look at it.

Kierkegaard was s a philosopher whose work influenced Ibsen's drama - interestingly enough Ibsen went from happy endings to increasingly poignant, even catastrophic, endings.

Not to mention, an atheist perspective? As the Father of existentialism I would expect no less, but this does not make his account an authoritative one.

Hope means looking past the future (what a conundrum), past the world that we live in, and to live in the perspective of a different world. If we lived in the perspective of this world we would end up violent, sadistic, selfish creatures, because that is what society, competition and capitalism breeds. Sure, there is wealth, but wouldn't you agree it brings along with it vices that man seem to complacently accept in the present as normal by-products?

I was asked if I thought world religions were 'comfort blankets', cushions and safety nets we place below our precarious positions in life to assure us with an illusion that 'everything will be alright'. In other words, if people believe in a god because it gives them an ability to stand up on their feet after defeat, regardless of an actual existence of god.

I find that assertion thoroughly repulsive, since it is almost as good as Cypher (from The Matrix) saying "give me my steak even though there is no such thing, because all my life is about is enjoyment for the period I am alive". Then 'belief' in a religion, in a god, is a mere opium, a dulling of the senses to be able to live for a while, for myself.

True belief, on the other hand, grounds the knowledge of the supernatural with experiences of God. It says, "I know there is a God, and if there isn't one I rather accept that too than go on living in a lie just to be 'happy'". Religion is not the opiate of the people; is it a life of love and necessarily a life lived for others. It is an enlightenment rather than a shutting out of facts and truth.

Thomas Kinkade eloquently said:



"When we learn to say a deep, passionate yes to the things that really matter...

then peace begins to settle onto our lives like golden sunlight sifting to a forest floor."

Yesterday, today and forever
Jesus the same

And everlasting, in the palm of Your hand

There's a fire that burns in our hearts
To see the lost return to the Father

saying the words 'gone', 'no longer with us', 'passed on' seem insufficient
and too pompous at the same time

Hearing of two deaths today, I do not know either of them personally, but one of my friends was very moved when she heard it was her good friend. How do we process it?

Bigger than what we know, larger than what we experience, more important than what we are worried about - the exams, the appearances, the money
Thinking if there is something we could have done better in the past for that someone
But that would be too late
Then do it now, while they are here
Star of the morning, You are stronger than death

Fresh blueberries

floating in a bowl of rich creamy milk...

Blue stars in a white sky

Similes (not smiles or smileys)

Writing an 8000 word essay on Shakespeare and Pandora is like making and fitting together a jigsaw puzzle: you have to paint the whole picture, cut it up into little size bits and mix them up, and then fit them back again.

Life is like a box of chocolate...(ok you know this one)

looking into mirrors

Do I have regrets over the past three years or so?
It's best to close that chapter without looking back: say "no",
A tug, that things might have been different in the past
If it were other places, peoples, routes from last.

Going through the photos of others is like a crush;
Conjuring the best of what might just be a brush.
At 23, is this what they call quarter-life crisis?
Agonising over the various hits-and-misses

Then I think of those who have stuck with me through
The thick and thin and up and down and pink and blue
My housemates, my friends, my dearest confidantes
Who shared the joys and, when I strayed, were kindly blunt

So "no" it will be, firm and good and true;
I could not have been more blessed, more loved, by You.

football and food go together

It's 4.41am, and I've only done 1300 words. So slow am I!

Some pics coming up...

The bar at the students' union, filled with Liverpool and AC Milan fans, and the in-betweens who were just there to soak in the atmosphere.
Was a fun experience!

Met some Singaporeans, old friends and new (including a secondary school mate!), so I sat with them and cheered along...mostly when Zenden went off and later when Crouch came on!









After that headed to Tesco, the english NTUC, and bought some, er , comfort-ing food...heehee

on the news

Ever heard of an eco-friendly sandwich van that goes round the campus and delivers food to your doorstep?
Neither have I...and I think its a cool idea!
Have to catch this van and check it out someday...like today, when the food sup is nearly nil.

Another word I've 'learnt' today to describe the progress of my essay due in 5 days time: dismal.
argh

10 mins to choir practice: I hope I get inspired then...something about Shakespeare please?
and then an hour to Champions League Finals! will be at the bar...I'm told we have to 'chope' a seat an hour before the match kicks off!

You Are Elmo

Sweet and innocent, you expect everyone to adore you. And they usually do! You are usually feeling: Talkative. You've got tons of stories to tell. And when you aren't talking, you're laughing. You are famous for: Being popular, though no one knows why. Middle aged women especially like you. How you live your life: With an open heart. "Elmo loves you!"

The Sesame Street Personality Quiz

Ah well, no one's perfect...middle-aged women?!

so kute!

A meerkat looks after its nine-week-old baby at Drusillas Park, East Sussex.

Courtesy of BBC

After attempting a series of quizzes (you know those mundane things you do when you want to escape work), I've found out that I have a violet aura, can pass 8th grade math, am only good at punctuation in English, and should be a political activist.

Ok, as long as I finish this next essay, I will build a time machine and go back to Sec 3 (CHIJ TP, of course), since that's the only age I'll excel, apparently!

=p

oh! also, I'm apparently 70% weird, which confirms my premonition in the 12th May entry! The quiz results say I'm weirder than weird because I think I'm normal...but if I think I'm weird, does that make me more normal now?

I'm eating warm googy chocolate pud!!
*toothy choco-smeared grin*

a stitch in time

time for some Yo-yo ma (influence credited to ff, who's on her way to nippon now!)
and Shakespeare (influence credited to my grandpa)

five-stones

It's 3.15am. Bible study on Philippians this evening helped me to concentrate on work, so I did more in the last 2 hours than I've done the past few days. Still a long road to walk. Talking to the other 12 who were sharing I realise I'm not alone...so many are trudging the difficult road of essays alone. But not lonely =)

I owe....so many people. Well, not owe so much, but I would like to speak to them: a birthday message to hil and krys and cheez (long overdue!), a hallo to min and yanyan and hele, notes to ff and dre and shell.

I think I'm weird...but that's because I'm comparing. Everyone else looks so smooth (talker) and lucky (in the right place at the right time with right people) and alright (as opposed to not alright, i guess!) and happier (need I explain more?) and off the cover of fashion mags (thanks von for the affirmation 9 years ago, i remember!). I think I've been looking at friendster too long, and frankly I know this is one of the most juvenile statements I'm making out loud (oops, I said it?) =)

So if you feel weird and out of place too, you're not alone, which means you're not weird nor out of place! You're exactly where you're meant to be - forging ahead as you dare to be different (go ask someone for a hug NOW, and don't be shy because they probably need it as much as you do)

okie, time to sleep now!

pick up sticks

I've got part of a song stuck in my head, ever since choir practice yesterday. It's a new song to me, and our practice was much livened up this upbeat piece:

He is the king of kings
and new life he brings
Sing it in the valleys
Shout it from the mountain tops
~ Sing It in the Valleys

It's a really simple piece, with not much 'deep' meaning to the words on first appearance...yet after the umpteenth time it had been playing in my head, it began to dawn on me what this 'it' is, what I'm supposed to shout from high and low. It's something to be joyfully proclaimed when we are on the mountain or in the valley, whether we experience happiness or depression. Because he is faithful, the praises meant for him will always be valid, whether or not we 'feel' his presence. Shouting it on the mountain is easy, because we are filled with his Spirit and have that push of courage: to offer spiritual advice to others, to give to the poor in love, to forgive.

Singing it in the valley is a lot more difficult, but that's perhaps why we are asked to sing it: a hymn sung is a prayer said twice. These times when we are low are the most crucial times for prayer and praise. I believe this praise is not the licking of the boot before we submit an application (of supplication); God doesn't need that. Praising allows us to realise what a good god we have, reminding us that he can turn our mourning into dancing.

So, what kind of praises should we sing?

I was watching a movie trailer on Apple.com, for the show Starter for Ten. One of the characters in the trailer says, 'People who really care about you don't mind if you make mistakes, it's what you do next that matters'. This is one thing I know I can sing about him: that he's someone who really cares about me, and that perfect love is simply amazing. Three other people like that are mum, dad and matt; these keep me going, walking, trying my best, even in the valleys.

paddle paddle paddle *breathe*
tiring work to heave and heave
ongoing without leave
or is it just a brief?

perhaps I have imagined it so
that it truly is not so low
yet still searching for the flow
so that I can start, run, go!

like a blu-tac pulled to the thin
I need to find myself within
"no one can walk you through that door"
or so Neo was told before the score

wishing cannot conjure success
only willing (not mine) will see it blessed
a plea: will you pray for me?
I need strength and peace to see

please?
=)
I feel trapped in my room, and though I have anywhere I could go right now, outside to the garden, a bus to town, a plane to Germany or China, I force myself to sit at my desk and read the notes I have compiled. No great ideas, no new and groundbreaking thoughts, so no words. Funny, one would think that with the lack of (apparent) responsibility except for studies the freedom would be exhilarating, but I think if this was taken away from me, my essay-writing, I would fall even more gravely ill and limp. There are things I can do still, yet I have this feeling that I'm learning the un-static characteristic of happiness. What is man without a goal? Man with God, whether he knows it or not. For goals come and go, they are achieved or elude you, and then what?

on love

Perhaps it was by chance that I strolled in the Warwick Arts Centre just in time to hear the announcement over the PA system that the matinee performance of Three Sisters was about to resume after the interval. Compelled by the novelty to watch this famous play by Chekhov, coupled with an impetus of curiosity and sheer want of entertainment, I enquired about the show. It turned out that that evening's performance was to be its last. Rushing over to the box office I immediately bought a ticket and walked out of the theatre satisfied.

That evening, I ambled out of the the theatre once more, altered by the single fact of having been a voyeur at Chekhov's masterpiece. It had been an evening of scrambling for subtitles on the overhead screen and an attempt to catch most of what occured on stage, for it had been performed in its original language, Russian. For a long time I could not get Masha's line out of my head:

"When you read a novel, any novel, then it seems that everything is so old hat and everything is easily understood, but when you fall in love yourself then it becomes obvious to you that nobody knows anything and each person must make their own decisions"

Act 3

And so it is that nothing can prepare you for the assail of decisions when you commit yourself to someone. Commit not with mere words, but as the Australian natives would translate in English, with all one's 'insides'. Personally, due to the influence of such and such great men, I feel no affiliation with the term 'fall' when it comes to the love Masha speaks of. For the clumsiness of failing arms and legs in the movement of falling has no association with the act of true love. This temporary gust that trips us might be more properly termed 'infatuation', not at all a bad thing but an impure form that prepares us for the perfection of what is to come; falling is falling short.

True love, on the other hand, is defined by sacrifice. Yes, together with the connotations sacrifice alludes to: difficulty, pain, sorrow. Love is all these, just as ice is water, and vapour is water. No pure substance is begotten without a process, and this process by any other name would be as bitter. And yet not bitter: the taste of love turns sweet, for in that process of sacrifice the bitterness of giving up (when is not thinking about oneself first sweet) is refined into a thing pure and beautiful. The pain given in the betterment of another is transformed in substance by love and produces love.

And then, the heart of matter: water is not merely ice, water is not only vapour. Love is not only difficulty, pain or sorrow. It carries such properties of refinement within itself and more. Water quenches the slaking thirst of a dying man, it cools the heat of the desert soul, and washes away the stains of past hurts. Love is not a static goal of finality; it is the entire movement from start to finish. It is a journey that encompasses the test of the Venom symbiote for Spidey, the One ring of corruption for Galadriel, the Turkish Delight for Edmund.

catharsis

A falling drop into the ocean; what does it mean?
To join the pool of groaning humanity
What difference can one man make
Against the overwhelming sea?

Sadness is like a still pond
That hides the incessant trickling
Of tributaries; rills that spill
And feed the endlessness.

By that pond, a lily blooms
ever-slowly inching, bursting
a fight to the finish, thriving on waves
that lap up gurgling gurgling at its feet

I think I'm stuck somewhere in March. Middle of march to be exact, because I keep thinking it's not yet into the 20s of March, and so it must be in the teens, and still slogging at the first essay such that the end seems far far away.

Yesterday my brother was telling me about an equation by Stevens (some phsysicist) which can calculate the human perception of something with relation to what it actually is in reality. Like pain, or a burn, or a cut, or a scream; how much more or less we place importance to it than it actually is in reality.
It's called Stevens' Power Law... this guy stevens power lor...

So let me place an equation on my first statement of being stuck somewhere in march:
Continuum - Time
Exponent - 0.01
Stimulus Condition - Just before essay deadline (approx. 14 days before)

dawn of the

Woke up this morning to an attack of the C-roaches!
Luckily, major mum had just got a fresh supply of ammunition from N.T.U.C., so I took out the heavily loaded semi-automatic Mortein21 and shot down all forms of those crawling undead.
9 casualties, none from the England team.

Being lost in the constructions of structures, I forgot about the little fall of rain, music like a soft breeze, echoes from the trembling heart.

It's cold, and I sit at my desk with a sleeping bag wrapped around my legs, like a competitor preparing for a potato-sack race.

in coherence

"I like to be left alone"

A simple statement, that can mean so many things. Some of the various ways include:

1. Simply, the speaking subject enjoys solitude.

2. More likely, the subject is speaking to an Other and is implying through this hint that he would like to be left alone. It is what is left out of the statement that is important.

3. The subject is a neurotic one, as our civilisation is, such that he makes friends only to find that he often loses them. This occurs usually through means which appear beyond the subject's control, such as betrayal, adultery, jealousy, greed, and even death. However the cause is not an external one that belongs to the other, but an unconscious (masochistic) desire to be left alone, since he appears to gain pleasure from being proven correct from in an assumption (such as 'people are never reliable' or 'men/women are jerks/slags' etc.). The pleasure overrides the displeasure gained in the seperation from the other, and all this happens outside of the subject's consciousness. In the end he feels like a victim; yet all this has precipitated from his own hand (or, rather, mind).

Refer to life for more information.
Have a nice day!
=)


added at 6.20pm:
Roman Jakobson paraphrased: Human speech never merely transmits a message, it always also self-reflectively asserts the basic symbolic pact between the communicating subjects.

Therefore, point 1 is eliminated.

catch a falling star

Wearing beach shorts and a tee that reads: 'Born to be wild; Melbourne', I stick my hands into the night sky, stretching out of the window with palms flat, to catch the falling snowflakes in the middle of march.

question-ing

what can assuage the guilt of man?

every moment is life, which means every moment is a step towards or backwards, for we can never not make a choice, and even choosing not to decide is deciding, which means we have either moved back or forth.

what dreams may come

I'm an outsider, in all senses of the word. Even to myself, a feeling which Freud acerbates as I read him (and I have no chioce in this).

I feel like I have little choice in anything nowadays, except to pray or not to pray.

In a 'deep conversation' (as Adama called it) with Wong Fei Hong yesterday, he told me that "It's your difference from others that will bring success". Not me per se; his idiom encompasses everyone. I have difficulty integrating this with my experience...or maybe I'm just not seeing far enough.

I can't interpret my dream, maybe you can:
I am back in my house, familiar and cosy, with my parents when suddenly my older sister's boyfriend (? I don't have a sister) whom I've not met before enters and I feel like he's intruding and making use of my parents. He's asking for something, money or some kind of advantage that he's planning not to return, and I get angry. I start arguing with him to leave, but no one else believes me and he's given the money (or whatever he'd asked for). Then a stranger comes in, looking very much like Billy Bob Thornton (??), whom no one knows but he's invited in and made comfortable in my house. Now I'm really frustrated and insulted and a bigger quarrel begins between the two of us, yet again my parents are indifferent to his presence and leave to go somewhere. I'm left alone with this old man (Billy-look-alike) and when a third stranger (he remains in shadow but is a bulky figure with a top hat) enters and goes ahead to sleep in my bed, I lose it and all energy to fight. So I crouch down somewhere in the house (because my bed's been taken) and someone (maybe it's Billy-look-alike, maybe not) is sympathetic and comes over. Without saying much, or even anything, his presence is enough.



To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause

-From Shakespeare's Hamlet, in his famous speech beginning "To be, or not to be..."

Groceries

I bought lots and lots of good food today at Tesco and Fresh Asia! Strawberries, kimchi dumplings, tofu, soya bean drink, wasabi peas, cream, honey mustard pasta, carbonara sauce, humous, mature chedder cheese, TANG YUAN! and much more...

Been putting off going to the supermarket for weeks now (yes, I've been starving) because of the rain and work and lazy bones, but today I was left with no choice because I could no longer stand baked beans and plain rice, and I had cancelled with Yanyan for an Italian dinner because of a panic attack (non-serious) so I trudged off to find food glorious food in the afternoon.

Just got a message from sg, and it made me smile (BIG grin) because it was about a mathematical equation (7x7) My favourite person!
Which is so rare nowadays (mathematical equations... and who grins to themselves when they are alone?!) Well, JFok maybe ... hehe just kidding! So happy I got him excited about Heroes too! Yataaa! So at least I know I'm not alone in favouring otaku-san... =)

Continuously playing How To Save A Life by The Fray

will it never cease?

can-not e-ra-di-cate
between the lines of fear and blame
the difference between all man
each and every man

No matter how alike, liked, close, closed, understood, stood up, you feel you are to the other, there will never be perfect harmony, everlasting peace

That's why the greatest of these is love, because love is a decision, not merely a warm and fuzzy emotion (though it can be at times)

“Our Hearts Are Restless, Until They Rest In Thee, O Lord" Saint Augustine

Went to bed at 1.30am.

essesssesssessssesssssss
esssaessssaessssaesssssaeessaa
essayessayessayessayeessssayyyyessayy
ESSAYESSAYESSAYESSAYESSAYESSAYESSAY

It's now 5.55am

-_-

Thanks guys!!

OH MY GOSH! I got something in the mail today, and realise I actually have more people I want to thank (and who must have been keeping a secret for a week now!)

MY HEARTFELT LOVE to Matt, Stell, Eddie, Chris, Leonard, Nick, Esper, Cheryl, Jo and Hil!!!
I even got cookies which I believe Cheryl baked? whoa!!
And my favourite wasabi seaweed: I'm going to open a pack tonight! (I'll TRY to ration heehee)

AH! It's a gorgeous surprise which has cheered up my cold winter!!

song of the moment

Will you stay with me
Will you be my love
Among the fields of barley
You can tell the sun in his jealous sky
When we walked in fields of gold

Fields of Gold, with Michelle Kwan on ice

Many many many MANY thanks to mum, dad, matt, chee seng, fabian, chan, spyke, siumei, jfok, shell, nat, dre, ken li, sim, amanda, fangfang, gerrie, ee ee, james, dan, stel, yan-yan, jingyi for all the wishes, whatever shape or size they came in - no matter if they were missed calls (and I'm so sorry but I heard my phone ringing in class and could not pick it up, because so did my lecturer!) or messages - since they were all of love and care and I would not ask for more!!!

If you press me to tell why I loved [my friend], I feel that this cannot be expressed, except by answering: Because it was he, because it was I.

-Michel de Montaigne (1533–1592), French essayist. “Of Friendship,” The Essays (Les Essais), bk. I, ch. 28, Abel Langelier, Paris (1595).

moving

The most touching line of the week (actually, for two weeks):



Imogen embraces Posthumus

Posthumus: "Hang there like fruit, my soul,

til the tree die."






-From Shakespeare's Cymbeline, seen today in Birmingham with Yan-yan

sno! (Jen has copyright for this word)

I woke up this morning, and it was....SNOWING!

Bright, white and cold outside, warm and comfy in!

Well, I headed out in the frosty afternoon to the library.

Everywhere there were snowball fights going on (people loading supermarket trolleys with snowballs as ammo!) and others making snowmen...

So my friends and I rolled around a bit...

And started building a snow-family =)

Success! (After 2 hours of hard work) teehee!

My Hero Is You by Hayden Panettiere

I never saw the way
You sacrificed
Who knew the price you paid
How can I make it right
I know I've gotta try

When my world goes crazy
You won't let go
When the ground gets shaky
You give me hope
When I try to push you away
You never move, yeah

Now when I start doubting
You help me see
There's a strength, and a mind, and a power in me
Oh believe there ain't nothing I can't do
My hero is you, yeah
My hero is you

And I hope that you can see
You're everything that I wanna be

To Jesus, Mum, Dad, Matt, Dre, Mag Low, Ms Lian

this is getting worse and worse
missed lessons, stressed, deadlines approaching, research insufficient, sick, prospect of loneliness, forgiveness to ask, reparations to make
and then a death
which should place all things in perspective
only it hasn't, and things are in
Chaos
a mess
Uncertainty
the palm of Your hand

Finally she could stand it no longer. One day when everyone was out she crept up to the box, took the huge key, fitted it carefully into the lock and turned it. She lifted the lid to peep in but before she realised it the room was filled with terrible things: disease, despair, malice, greed, old age, death, hatred, violence, cruelty and war. She slammed the lid down and turned the key again...keeping only the spirit of hope inside.

nothing clears the flu like a goodypoody bowl of rich double chocolate ice cream...

Damn, it didn't work.

Have I lost them, after all those years, after all these years? Because I couldn't be by your side, to cheer or playfully jeer, to cajole or go kallang bowl, and simply just to listen, which is what I should have done dear friend. I am sorry

Dre, thanks for telling me about mag low and her husband; it's such shocking news...I wonder how old he was. And though she is a strong lady, I can't imagine how it feels to lose half of life. Like you said, we'll be praying for her and her family, especially that her own faith and hope may be strong. She's the reason why I'm here doing literature.

Ps and Qs

If only man did not have to sleep...he'd have 24 hours in a day!
I think this is the second time I'm repeating my wish in 12 months... definately has something to do with mid-semester crisis.
It's 4am; the past 12 hours have been filled with the works of a psychoanalyst, a philosopher and a pater.
On the psyche, politics of art and prayer: 3 important aspects to arrive at an understanding of 'What on earth am I here for?!'

Been listening to Bukak Pantai's Budakumentary - support local artists! Not for the fact that they are local, but for the fact that they are quality, and we should stop bowing to imperialism.
Great acapella group who aren't afraid to experiment with styles and languages, and they're one of the pioneers (if not the pioneers) of the acapella scene in Singapore.

thoughts

residue
trickling down my
neck, my back
needing to be cleansed

apples released
one after the other
spilt milk dripping
falling off the edge

put a name to it
call it gravity
still can't take away
or give it brevity

this is me not getting over missing her birthday

Ling-Ling and Butterscotch

indiscriminate clarity

Just came back from lunch with Yan-Yan, and she gave me Ling-Ling! Ling-Ling's a baby female panda who was born in China, raised in Japan, and brought to UK to do her major in mathematics. Okie, you probably think I need to get out of my room more. I do get out....too much! Time to start work...sigh

On other things:
Heroes - It's better than Grey's Anatomy, Smallville, even Battlestar Galactica, and can rival X-Men!! Watch it! Don't be put off by the slow start....it'll come to a head!

Also craving for wasabi peas. And seaweed. Been drinking miso soup...mmmm

Are you trying to tell me something?

11am-2pm: Professor drilling the 5 of us in his class with questions about what it means to be an intellectual, what are his/her duties to the people, and on what grounds a critic enforces his judgement. This was our first lesson and it was pure discussion, without lecture, background or notes. These are some of the things we came up with in answer:

An intellectual is part of an elite group caught between tradition and innovation, who is in but not of the world. The critic moves from a subjective stance to an objective one, and beyond that to produce a rational, value judgement. People's judgements stem from the ideology they are immersed in, and an intellectual's role is to re-present (if necessary) culture, history and the future. One has the choice to be part of this elite group, or to retreat as Cypher does into the Matrix.

Those two hours just gave me a headache.
Well, no, not just a headache, but because what was said made me think. That we each have a choice, a responsiblity that comes with our abilities. But what?

6.30pm-10.30pm: Bible Study group, dinner and fellowship included. Today the 8 of us read and discussed Galatians 6:1-10, and then had an honest, uplifting intercessory prayer session. The thing I took away with me was prayer.
I had forgotten how powerful prayer was, how integral it is in communication with God, how much other people (not just myself) need it.
There's something I must do, and it can't be done through essays. But what?

hmm

an excerpt

A VALEDICTION FORBIDDING MOURNING
by John Donne

But we by a love so much refined,
That ourselves know not what it is,
Inter-assurèd of the mind,
Care less, eyes, lips and hands to miss.

Our two souls therefore, which are one,
Though I must go, endure not yet
A breach, but an expansion,
Like gold to aery thinness beat.

If they be two, they are two so
As stiff twin compasses are two ;
Thy soul, the fix'd foot, makes no show
To move, but doth, if th' other do.

And though it in the centre sit,
Yet, when the other far doth roam,
It leans, and hearkens after it,
And grows erect, as that comes home.

Such wilt thou be to me, who must,
Like th' other foot, obliquely run ;
Thy firmness makes my circle just,
And makes me end where I begun.

penultimate day

This is how I celebrated today!

Mah po tou fu with beef, fluffy omellette, plain salad and rice *grinz*

What was I celebrating? The last of my assigments completed, Matt's exams over, a very successful meeting with my tutor, the thought of December, and finally being able to sleep properly tonight! There's still one more lesson tomorrow (bah, at 9am), but I thought some good food was in order (when is it not? hee) and took only 35 mins to cook-up.

Proceeded to watch episode 7 of Battlestar Galactica (Season 3)...episode 9 is out! And, there's another Battlestar fan in the corridor! We have late night Battlestar discussions, like "did you see Apollo's paunch" and how "Starbuck should stay single", haha the weird and the wonderful.

Went to see my tutor this afternoon regarding my essay proposal; thinking it would only take 10 mins, I came out of his office half an hour later. We went from talking about what I should focus on in writing to a lecturer in Leicester whom we both knew well to "Have you ever thought about this for your future?" to...well, ends up that I walked out of there agreeing to attend a 'reading weekend' (whatever that is), supposedly a mini 'retreat' starting tomorrow afternoon til sunday, taking place somewhere in the countryside (I don't even know where), with 16 other undergraduates from Philosophy, on Samuel Beckett. *swoons* yup, only reason why I signed up for it. I'm told we have to put up a mini performance on Saturday (oh dear....).

That means I shall have to forgo a gig Last Town Chorus is having in Birmingham on Friday night (with Lennie, tickets bought already, eek!), watching The Prestige with Annie on Saturday at the Arts Centre, and meeting JFK and SM in London on Sunday. noooo....arg...going to have to face the firing squad now and email JFK.

Matt, guess what, we're reading Rockaby, Not I, Play, Ohio Impromtu and Waiting for Godot!

Sleepy...but lots to do!

I'm a little teapot

See through
The pane
Touch, and make
No contact
Walk, and the whole cell
walks with you
Insipid

This is Bubble Boy at his peak of trepidity

Mood

The only knowledge I have in my head now is how to add 8 to a number from 1 to 12.
Not good, not good at all.

Wong Fei Hong and I set fire to the kitchen oven today. A real fire, with black choking smoke pluming out! I panicked when I saw it, and was ready to run round in circles with my arms waving wildly above my head, but Wong Fei Hong looked calmly at it, said, "Oh, fire" and proceeded to 'cut off the oxygen supply by leaving the oven door closed, since it's burning only on a limited supply of oil'. -_- (these Science people...) We had to stay among the thick fumes after that, for fear opening the kitchen door would set off the fire alarm in the corridor, causing the whole block to have to evacuate. Poor Amadeus and friend, they were having dinner too and had to remain with us in the smoke!

In mysterious ways

It's odd how God
Can make that break
And mend that bend
When things go out of hand

I thought I would be attending mass today with my head down, without saying a word to anyone, intending to leave immediately after mass because "I have so many things to do and I am so busy and I need to go back and I..." But then a girl from singapore I knew came to sit with me, and I couldn't help but smile, even though I didn't feel like smiling, but funny enough after I smiled I felt like smiling, and we started talking and sharing, and then I met a guy from bible study group and smiled and we started chatting and I realised I was not alone with the stress, and then someone came up to me and ask if I wanted to join the Legion of Mary and we started talking... After all, I stayed an hour talking and sharing and laughing with others as my heart grew lighter and lighter, and I know I could not have come out of my shell on my own strength.

Thank you Lord, for YOU make our burdens light, our joy true, our faith shine brightest in the dark.

of course, we are moderns

almost full moon I'm hungry but there's someone frying something oily which fills the whole corridor with grease and I have to stick my head out of the window so hair can air and don't smell like food which I so want to eat my own of course not theirs but I can't make it I don't know how I would have been able to motivate myself for 3 years what was I thinking yet still am thinking I just have to get this done this tooting thing done and if the fear of failure would get out of my face I would move at a faster pace. So be it.

How I survived, I don't know.

Thank God for God, and Fang Fang, and JFK, and Tam, and the Home Team, who were my pillars of support, foundations of strength, sources of true joy. Not the false laughter issuing from the ruins of orgies, decay of which stench I once again caught rising from the abyss of memories on this night. So thick I had to throw wide the window and gulp down the crisp night air; like a protective cloak, airy dream-catcher to save me from the nightmares of Christmases past.

Oh Lord, protect us evermore!

For those who are facing exams in the coming days,
(Especially Matt, Dre, Jen, but not forgetting many others!)
May you receive the Peace that will carry you through this stressful time,
the Strength to never give up,
the Faith to believe in yourself,
and the Hope that all will eventually be over!

Gambate!

Girls' night out

Siu Mei's Birthday cake!

At her place now, with Jon and Colleen (Leicester gang) =)

We were out in London the whole day: Dim Sum, Arcade, Coffee, and Evita!

Covent Garden at night...

They have the big Christmas tree up already!

And we're happy you're happy!

borrowed vehicle

All that I am, all that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I dunno where, confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

lost in translation

Came up with a new easy-to-prepare dish for dinner today!

Something of an equivalent to chicken claypot rice:

Dice chicken breast and marinate in sesame oil/light sauce/pepper for 20 min.

Wash a cup of rice and add dark sauce/light sauce (and salt if nec.)/sesame oil into the right amount of water for rice to cook in rice cooker.

Add 4 cloves of crushed garlic and the chicken to the rice.

Pop it into the rice cooker until rice cooks!

To serve:

Good garnishing - pepper and fried shallots.

Fei (he's from China) was in the kitchen eating when I went in to get the cooked meal. So I sat down to eat at the table with him (usually I prefer to go into my room to eat, the kitchen is only enough for 6 people to stand in, and we have 12). We were talking about work and study in UK, when he offered me some of the food he had cooked: lo and behold, it was kung pow duck! (oops, here's Mel talking about food again!). It was really yummy, and he said it was his first time preparing duck, having only started cooking 2 months ago when he arrived here. Really amazed by his cooking skills, and ashamed I myself hadn't been so daring! Also, he had come from China not knowing much English - I thought it was very admirable he decided to do a course here: it would be like me studying Chinese literature!

Another corridor-mate, Linda (also from China), came in and proceeded to tell us she had just come from her pole-dancing lesson. Fay choked on his food then. I didn't really understand her mandarin, so she went on to demonstrate a few moves. He had stopped chewing, eyes about to pop out of their sockets; I nearly fell off my chair laughing.

Then Darran (a Hong-Kong British) walked in. Fei wanted to know whether guys could join the pole-dancing class, and what they would wear. Since he didn't know the english word for underwear, he proceeded to ask Darran what he wore to sleep.

Needless to say, I was nearly in tears from laughter by then.

What a meal!

chitchat

Woke up at 8.50am this morning, and the seminar on Maus was at 9am!!
Rush rush rush, I was so tempted to stay in bed and 'forget' I had a class, but because it's so unique to have one on a graphic novel I just couldn't miss it!
Turned up at 9.05am ready with apologies ( I DID brush my teeth!) and turns out half the class hadn't arrived yet, my tutor in fact looked grateful to those who walked in no matter what time it was.

Attendence just might have something to do with the fact that he set us 3 novels to read for this week?

Anyhow, had tea and a nice hour-chat with a couple of my course-mates after. And because they mostly were
a)in their late twenties
b)all (nearly) at the engagement stage with their partners
c)females
the topic for the day was marriage, having a house, maybe-babies. Okayyyyy, I had a nice cup of hot chocolate.

Back at twelve for a little lunch of pancakes with ham and cheese, got another class in 10 minutes at 1pm.

More stories!

Mauschwitz

This week's seminar reading for Literatures of War was Maus I and II, at least that's what it said on the reading list. So I headed down to the book store, found the author (art spiegelman), pulled the book out and saw...

Vat??!!

Flipping through the pages I got a bigger shock (note: this is what we, a class filled with students from 22 to 50 years of age, including ex-teachers/ administrators/ soldiers, will be discussing on wednesday after paying 9000 pounds):

I just love my course! *grinz*

By the way, this work did win the Pulitzer Prize, among others. I guess no dream is too huge!

Coventry and beyond!

Autumn Leaves! Technically, the temperature says it's winter already (high of 9 deg cel, low of 0 deg cel) but there's still some colour in life, thank goodness! Those are the blocks of my hostel, Tocil, just a 2 minute walk from lectures whoppee!

10th Nov: Went to West End, London, to watch Chicago with Yan yan! Didn't watch the Richard Gere/Catherine Zeta film, so I didn't know what to expect, but I must say the songs were catchy and the dancing great! Themes in the film were a little too dark for my taste, but it was a good production. Yan yan had seen the show in Japan and in US (different companies) and she says this one was the best =) See the plastic bag I'm holding? Full of Japanese goodies we got from a shop in London (including Pocky!)

Yan yan's my dear study-Tesco-musical-dinner-let's complain about work-buddy! She's doing a PhD in English Literature *kowtow to her* Specialises in 19th century fiction (power, right!) We met her friend in London that morning, who's halfway through her PhD in Gothic fiction. The intellectual meter is getting hot out here...

See this one? This is Mel, whose speciality is eating roast duck! In Chinatown, nonetheless. So happy because she's not eaten roast duck in 3 months ...we had it with xiao bai cai/ crabmeat/ shitake and fried rice. Too full to walk out after that, we stayed from 7 to 9pm gluping chinese tea.

Presenting...my room! The one furthest away from the noisy kitchen *grinz* I'm real serious as I thank God!

More to come! Was trying to fit in more pictures of Ho Fung's farewell at Leicester Square, but they wouldn't load. Ho Fung, if you're reading this, it means you're home safe and sound; enjoy your homecoming (I'm sure you will, British food ranks one of the lowest) 'cos we all will miss your jokes and great tenor voice!

Simply Insatiable

I want to...

read all the good books that have been written, eat the best cuisine from all over the world, join a multi-national corporation and be a high-powered executive and thus give my parents a comfortable life, have written at least one book that makes it to university syllables, teach, watch all the gothic and fantasy and detective and mystery films at the cinema, spend my time with my lover, rid the world of prejudice (especially racism), reach out to those who feel lonely,win the noble prize in literature very funny hahaha

all in all, to never regret how I spend my days

BUT

1. Isn't this all very self-centered?

2. Just how am I going to accomplish the above?
3. Things have a funny way of not turning out how you plan it i.e. God has a plan
4. Living is about making choices and balancing what we have (not what we don't) - then a voice in my head yells "life is about aiming for the stars too!"

*sigh*

To ponder: "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God"

got to read this day's entry from the bottom up

wanna hear more?

The green tortoise just looked at his Purpose Driven Life calender, which reads for the day:

Servants base their identity in Christ. Because they remember they are loved and accepted by grace, servants don't have to prove their worth. They willingly accept jobs that insecure people would consider 'beneath' them. One of the most profound examples of serving from a secure self-image is Jesus' washing the feet of his disciples. Jesus knew who he was, so the task didn't threaten his self-image.

whoooooooooooosh

Oh my gosh....you're kidding

It's 3 hours after I typed that last post, I'm just preparing to read today's reading, so I go on the 'Word Among Us' website. This is the first line I see:

What does it mean to humble ourselves?

In a state of shock now, when I recover I'll continue reading the reflection...

a time for everything

Humility: having a lowly opinion of oneself

Lowly: Humble in feeling or demeanour; not proud or ambitious

(Definitions from the Oxford English Dictionary)

OK, since definitions don't answer my question, how does one be humble? I don't believe it's about shortchanging yourself, making yourself out to be less than who you are. But then again, who are you? I may think I'm witty, intelligent, sexy (this is an example), but if 75% i.e. the majority of the people around me say otherwise, am I to believe that, and act likewise? If I don't do and think what they say, will I be labelled as 'proud' and 'arrogant'? I don't have to bother what 'they' say. But what if they're right?

As the wise Oracle would say,
"γνῶθι σεαυτόν"
Gnothi Seauton
Know Thyself

argh. Work in Progress.